I'm still here

Hello everyone, I'm so sorry I haven't been posting much recently. Just everything has been so difficult, and I'm not enjoying my blog as much as I used to. I have 0 time to post and I'm really not liking how my blog looks either. I may start up again but for now I will not be using this blog. Thanks to everyone who read (yes I can see who's been reading my posts) I appreciate it a lot. 

self image

I've just been absolutely hating myself recently, the way i look, my body, my appearance etc. I just hate all of it!

I wish i was pretty and skinny then i would be happy, i wouldn't be depressed and be dwelling over my body image and looks. I'd actually have some confidence, if only.

My skin is just so horrible and the moment and people don't realise how self-conscious it makes me at all, i absolutely hate it, it makes me feel so uncomfortable and gross. I hate it so much, i'd do anything to have clear skin.

I look obese, all the damn time. I'm so fat and revolting. People must look at me and think "damn that girl needs to stop eating before she explodes" Whenever i look at myself in the mirror i can't stand my reflection, all i see is fat and i despise it. Like i can't even put into words how it makes me feel. I can't put into words how all of this makes me feel. I just fucking hate it so much, it makes me feel worthless and unwanted. Everyone hates me because of it. It's not fair, it makes me so fucking angry.

i'm ugly

i'm fat

i'm worthless

i'm unwanted

i'm an 'emo'

i have no friends

i'm useless

i'm obese

i'm revolting

i'm everything a girl wishes she is not.

going offline.

What's wrong with me?

No this blog post is not about my emotions, feeling depressed, suicidal etc. 

I seem to be getting excruciating pains in the lower abdominal, I've had these pains before and was going back and fourth to the doctors constantly. I've also suffered with severe heart burn which thankfully went away but has decided to me a reappearance. I felt sick every time I ate which has gone away but the pain has come back. 

What's wrong with me? I just give the fuck up with my stupid body 

When Will it End?

When will it end? the pain? the sadness? the hurt? Because i can't put up with this for much longer. It's killing me. It's ripping me apart, one piece after another and another until eventually there's nothing left of me but pure sadness.

I've been trying my absolute hardest not to pick up that blade and run it over my skin. To make it to 100 days clean would be a dream come true, but is that too ambitious for me? I'm 82 days clean now, which is crazy for me. Can i carry on? it's hard enough being suicidal each day and trying not to cut, how the hell am i going to manage another 18 days, because although that may seem hardly anything to you, for me, it feels like centuries away.

Also on top of that my friend has been acting really strange, i can't help but think it's my fault. She just seems like she's distancing herself as much as she can from my group. Was it something i did wrong? Most likely because im a massive failure who can't do anything right. I just wish i was the type of person everyone adored, life would be great that way.

I've been reading a lot of books recently, wishing i could be them and have a life just like there's. If only life was like a fairy tale and there wasn't even such things as 'problems' how amazing would that be?

School is just the absolute worst, i'm on holiday at the moment and even though it's only for a week i can't help but look forward to do absolutely nothing and put up with no-one. Everyone there just despises me, people just look down at me and make me feel so small. If only they knew what i was feeling maybe they would stop. But then again, they probably wouldn't even care because no one does.

anyway, my next post will be more structured, i feel like i have just rambled about everything and anything. But still, i hope you've enjoyed it.

Update About my Blog

hey everyone, it's me again. No shock there. I feel like I've been posting loads, although i said I'll be posting daily and i haven't it still feels like i'm non-stop posting.

Anyway, i feel like this blog isn't really what i said it would be, i said that what i'll be posting will be tips, ways to eat less out in restaurants, workouts, diets, you name it. And although I've done some of these things i feel like some of my posts don't help as much as they should, however i really like my blog the way it is. I like how i can let out all my emotions but i also like how i can help some of you guys out.
I've only had this blog a few days now and it already has 100+ views which to me is pretty damn amazing, i didn't expect anyone to read my blog posts. So you must be liking it. If anyone wants to start a blog you honestly should, we can follow each other (as i have 0 followers) and comment on each other's blogs etc.

i will be making a new blog post tonight as there is some things i would like to get off my chest, but i just wanted to tell you guys this. if you would like me to start uploading more posts that would benefit you guys please let me know.

Life

Sometimes people can't see the suffering you go through day in and day out. Sometimes it's better off that way, other times it's not.

I have learnt that not telling people your problems is the best way, for me anyway. I find it so hard to be able to trust someone and I mean really trust someone. I can't even say the words "I'm sad" to someone because I just find it so hard to tell people how I'm feeling. Sometimes I really hate it, because I'd love nothing more than to feel like somebody actually cares. But then again I'd hate it if people knew my problems, God knows who they'd tell. 

Anyway I'm still finding it hard to deal with my sadness daily, it's hard it really is. Sometimes it just creeps up on you when you least expect it, you could be writing down the homework you need to complete in your planner and all of a sudden a wave of sadness overcomes you. 

You could be laughing with your friends and you'll just stop halfway through mid laughter because the sadness is destroying every chance you get of being happy, even if it's for a minute, or even an hour, or very rarely a day, it will catch up with you and destroy you. 

I think it's weird how the people in my year picture me as a happy girl with no problems, but honestly, they couldn't be anymore wrong. But I kind of like that, I kind of like how nobody knows? Because I can pretend I'm that happy girl who has no worries in life and can truly be themselves. I'm happy I can put a front on and no one will question it or get suspicious. 

This year has gotten so much more harder than last year. Last year when I got to school I somehow could leave the sadness behind me at home. This year it seems a lot more difficult for me to do that. It's like it follows me around, and sits beside me wherever I go. I sometimes find myself unable to do the work because I'm too sad, I'm too sad to even pick up a pen, I'm too sad to even right my name on the piece of paper, I'm too sad to even look at my friends in the eye, I'm just too sad. How doesn't anybody notice!? How can't anyone see it in my eyes? I'm not that happy girl anymore, I'm not that happy girl I used to be, I'm not that happy girl you'd see arriving to school with a big smile on her face when she sees her friends. I'm the girl who sits alone on the bus staring out of the window, I'm the girl who arrives at school trying so so hard to smile at my friends, I'm the girl who pretends nothing is wrong. Not that anyone cares. 

Food Diary

So today I managed to eat very little, but the things I ate had high calories. Which makes me feel so sick and disgusting. I'm such a failure, if I want to look like a thinspo then I need to start fucking acting like it, I'm sick of how fat and greedy I am. 

Anyway, so this morning:

I had a bowl of cereal (frostedshreddies & milk) 

I didn't have any lunch but me and my mum went to a coffee shop, there I had a milkshake but absolutely hated it because the after taste tasted like coffee so I threw it in the bin. 

I also bought myself a brownie and only has about 1/4 of it so all in all, not that bad but I could've done SO much better. 

Also to top it off I'm having a Chinese takeaway "YAY" not 😒

God knows how many calories but save to say id much rather not know. I'm not going to eat the whole thing, I'll just lie and say I'm full up or I feel sick. 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, I'm starting the ABC Diet on Monday so hopefully I can lose a lot of weight doing that.