Life

Sometimes people can't see the suffering you go through day in and day out. Sometimes it's better off that way, other times it's not.

I have learnt that not telling people your problems is the best way, for me anyway. I find it so hard to be able to trust someone and I mean really trust someone. I can't even say the words "I'm sad" to someone because I just find it so hard to tell people how I'm feeling. Sometimes I really hate it, because I'd love nothing more than to feel like somebody actually cares. But then again I'd hate it if people knew my problems, God knows who they'd tell. 

Anyway I'm still finding it hard to deal with my sadness daily, it's hard it really is. Sometimes it just creeps up on you when you least expect it, you could be writing down the homework you need to complete in your planner and all of a sudden a wave of sadness overcomes you. 

You could be laughing with your friends and you'll just stop halfway through mid laughter because the sadness is destroying every chance you get of being happy, even if it's for a minute, or even an hour, or very rarely a day, it will catch up with you and destroy you. 

I think it's weird how the people in my year picture me as a happy girl with no problems, but honestly, they couldn't be anymore wrong. But I kind of like that, I kind of like how nobody knows? Because I can pretend I'm that happy girl who has no worries in life and can truly be themselves. I'm happy I can put a front on and no one will question it or get suspicious. 

This year has gotten so much more harder than last year. Last year when I got to school I somehow could leave the sadness behind me at home. This year it seems a lot more difficult for me to do that. It's like it follows me around, and sits beside me wherever I go. I sometimes find myself unable to do the work because I'm too sad, I'm too sad to even pick up a pen, I'm too sad to even right my name on the piece of paper, I'm too sad to even look at my friends in the eye, I'm just too sad. How doesn't anybody notice!? How can't anyone see it in my eyes? I'm not that happy girl anymore, I'm not that happy girl I used to be, I'm not that happy girl you'd see arriving to school with a big smile on her face when she sees her friends. I'm the girl who sits alone on the bus staring out of the window, I'm the girl who arrives at school trying so so hard to smile at my friends, I'm the girl who pretends nothing is wrong. Not that anyone cares.