Hey everyone, sorry i don't usually post twice a day but i feel like i really need to write how i'm feeling and my emotions down just get them off my chest.
Because right now the only way i can shortly summaries how i'm feeling is; you know when you shake a fizzy drink and you go to open it and it explodes everywhere? well, that's exactly how i'm feeling right now. I have so many things i want to say fizzing up inside, but i don't have the confidence to say them aloud not even to my closest friend(s) so that is why i am writing this blog post.
I always have to lie to everyone and pretend that i'm the happiest girl in the world, oh if only that were true. I miss being young and having absolutely no worry in the world, what great times they were. Why do we have to grow up? when people say it's a trap they are more than right.
I am 78 days clean (i don't even know how i managed) i think the fact that i lost my blades and couldn't find them for weeks is the main reason I've lasted so long. If my friends knew i self-harmed i don't know what they would do, probably speak about me behind my back and call me an attention seeker *sigh*
On the other-side i'm more suicidal than ever. I seem to have these phases of sadness and nothing but sadness, you know when it feels like you've been hit full speed by a train of depression? (does that even make sense?) well i seem to have those phases very often. I'll just be getting better becoming a teeny tiny bit happier by the day and then the world's just like 'lol nope, not today' and i become even more depressed and suicidal than the last time, im typing so fast i don't even know if what im saying even makes sense right now, im sorry.
I don't know i have this gut feeling my friends hate me, you know there's always that one person in the group that everyone hates? yeah? well i think that's me. I just feel like they're happier when i'm not around, you know? As if they feel like they can be more themselves when i'm not there? which makes me sad and although i can't be my true self in front of anyone no matter who it is, if someone can't be themselves round me it really upsets me.
I'm going to be going on a diet because everyone who's really skinny is loved by everyone.
If i was skinny maybe people will start to notice me, maybe people will start to like me, maybe a won't be an embarrassment to be seen with. I will be starting one of those 'Ana Diets' the ones i showed you in my previous blog, most of them have great results, especially the ABC diet.
Hopefully people will begin to notice my weight lose and actually see that i care a LOT about my appearance. Everyday i look in the mirror i just want to cry, my reflection sickens me, all i see is fat fat fat oh and more FAT. But that will change, in 50 days time expect a blog post where i reveiw the ABC Diet and show before and after pictures. I may even do a shortened version of the ABC Diet to see how i get on and if i can notice progress already.
but for now i shall go, i hope you have enjoyed this blog post and also my other blog posts. If you have anything specific you'd like me to write about DM me on Instagram (thinxjpg) or twitter (FloralMisery) or even just comment below!
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