self image

I've just been absolutely hating myself recently, the way i look, my body, my appearance etc. I just hate all of it!

I wish i was pretty and skinny then i would be happy, i wouldn't be depressed and be dwelling over my body image and looks. I'd actually have some confidence, if only.

My skin is just so horrible and the moment and people don't realise how self-conscious it makes me at all, i absolutely hate it, it makes me feel so uncomfortable and gross. I hate it so much, i'd do anything to have clear skin.

I look obese, all the damn time. I'm so fat and revolting. People must look at me and think "damn that girl needs to stop eating before she explodes" Whenever i look at myself in the mirror i can't stand my reflection, all i see is fat and i despise it. Like i can't even put into words how it makes me feel. I can't put into words how all of this makes me feel. I just fucking hate it so much, it makes me feel worthless and unwanted. Everyone hates me because of it. It's not fair, it makes me so fucking angry.

i'm ugly

i'm fat

i'm worthless

i'm unwanted

i'm an 'emo'

i have no friends

i'm useless

i'm obese

i'm revolting

i'm everything a girl wishes she is not.

going offline.

What's wrong with me?

No this blog post is not about my emotions, feeling depressed, suicidal etc. 

I seem to be getting excruciating pains in the lower abdominal, I've had these pains before and was going back and fourth to the doctors constantly. I've also suffered with severe heart burn which thankfully went away but has decided to me a reappearance. I felt sick every time I ate which has gone away but the pain has come back. 

What's wrong with me? I just give the fuck up with my stupid body 

When Will it End?

When will it end? the pain? the sadness? the hurt? Because i can't put up with this for much longer. It's killing me. It's ripping me apart, one piece after another and another until eventually there's nothing left of me but pure sadness.

I've been trying my absolute hardest not to pick up that blade and run it over my skin. To make it to 100 days clean would be a dream come true, but is that too ambitious for me? I'm 82 days clean now, which is crazy for me. Can i carry on? it's hard enough being suicidal each day and trying not to cut, how the hell am i going to manage another 18 days, because although that may seem hardly anything to you, for me, it feels like centuries away.

Also on top of that my friend has been acting really strange, i can't help but think it's my fault. She just seems like she's distancing herself as much as she can from my group. Was it something i did wrong? Most likely because im a massive failure who can't do anything right. I just wish i was the type of person everyone adored, life would be great that way.

I've been reading a lot of books recently, wishing i could be them and have a life just like there's. If only life was like a fairy tale and there wasn't even such things as 'problems' how amazing would that be?

School is just the absolute worst, i'm on holiday at the moment and even though it's only for a week i can't help but look forward to do absolutely nothing and put up with no-one. Everyone there just despises me, people just look down at me and make me feel so small. If only they knew what i was feeling maybe they would stop. But then again, they probably wouldn't even care because no one does.

anyway, my next post will be more structured, i feel like i have just rambled about everything and anything. But still, i hope you've enjoyed it.

Update About my Blog

hey everyone, it's me again. No shock there. I feel like I've been posting loads, although i said I'll be posting daily and i haven't it still feels like i'm non-stop posting.

Anyway, i feel like this blog isn't really what i said it would be, i said that what i'll be posting will be tips, ways to eat less out in restaurants, workouts, diets, you name it. And although I've done some of these things i feel like some of my posts don't help as much as they should, however i really like my blog the way it is. I like how i can let out all my emotions but i also like how i can help some of you guys out.
I've only had this blog a few days now and it already has 100+ views which to me is pretty damn amazing, i didn't expect anyone to read my blog posts. So you must be liking it. If anyone wants to start a blog you honestly should, we can follow each other (as i have 0 followers) and comment on each other's blogs etc.

i will be making a new blog post tonight as there is some things i would like to get off my chest, but i just wanted to tell you guys this. if you would like me to start uploading more posts that would benefit you guys please let me know.

Life

Sometimes people can't see the suffering you go through day in and day out. Sometimes it's better off that way, other times it's not.

I have learnt that not telling people your problems is the best way, for me anyway. I find it so hard to be able to trust someone and I mean really trust someone. I can't even say the words "I'm sad" to someone because I just find it so hard to tell people how I'm feeling. Sometimes I really hate it, because I'd love nothing more than to feel like somebody actually cares. But then again I'd hate it if people knew my problems, God knows who they'd tell. 

Anyway I'm still finding it hard to deal with my sadness daily, it's hard it really is. Sometimes it just creeps up on you when you least expect it, you could be writing down the homework you need to complete in your planner and all of a sudden a wave of sadness overcomes you. 

You could be laughing with your friends and you'll just stop halfway through mid laughter because the sadness is destroying every chance you get of being happy, even if it's for a minute, or even an hour, or very rarely a day, it will catch up with you and destroy you. 

I think it's weird how the people in my year picture me as a happy girl with no problems, but honestly, they couldn't be anymore wrong. But I kind of like that, I kind of like how nobody knows? Because I can pretend I'm that happy girl who has no worries in life and can truly be themselves. I'm happy I can put a front on and no one will question it or get suspicious. 

This year has gotten so much more harder than last year. Last year when I got to school I somehow could leave the sadness behind me at home. This year it seems a lot more difficult for me to do that. It's like it follows me around, and sits beside me wherever I go. I sometimes find myself unable to do the work because I'm too sad, I'm too sad to even pick up a pen, I'm too sad to even right my name on the piece of paper, I'm too sad to even look at my friends in the eye, I'm just too sad. How doesn't anybody notice!? How can't anyone see it in my eyes? I'm not that happy girl anymore, I'm not that happy girl I used to be, I'm not that happy girl you'd see arriving to school with a big smile on her face when she sees her friends. I'm the girl who sits alone on the bus staring out of the window, I'm the girl who arrives at school trying so so hard to smile at my friends, I'm the girl who pretends nothing is wrong. Not that anyone cares. 

Food Diary

So today I managed to eat very little, but the things I ate had high calories. Which makes me feel so sick and disgusting. I'm such a failure, if I want to look like a thinspo then I need to start fucking acting like it, I'm sick of how fat and greedy I am. 

Anyway, so this morning:

I had a bowl of cereal (frostedshreddies & milk) 

I didn't have any lunch but me and my mum went to a coffee shop, there I had a milkshake but absolutely hated it because the after taste tasted like coffee so I threw it in the bin. 

I also bought myself a brownie and only has about 1/4 of it so all in all, not that bad but I could've done SO much better. 

Also to top it off I'm having a Chinese takeaway "YAY" not 😒

God knows how many calories but save to say id much rather not know. I'm not going to eat the whole thing, I'll just lie and say I'm full up or I feel sick. 

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day, I'm starting the ABC Diet on Monday so hopefully I can lose a lot of weight doing that. 

I Don't Know How to Feel

Hey everyone, sorry i don't usually post twice a day but i feel like i really need to write how i'm feeling and my emotions down just get them off my chest.

Because right now the only way i can shortly summaries how i'm feeling is; you know when you shake a fizzy drink and you go to open it and it explodes everywhere? well, that's exactly how i'm feeling right now. I have so many things i want to say fizzing up inside, but i don't have the confidence to say them aloud not even to my closest friend(s) so that is why i am writing this blog post.

I always have to lie to everyone and pretend that i'm the happiest girl in the world, oh if only that were true. I miss being young and having absolutely no worry in the world, what great times they were. Why do we have to grow up? when people say it's a trap they are more than right.

I am 78 days clean (i don't even know how i managed) i think the fact that i lost my blades and couldn't find them for weeks is the main reason I've lasted so long. If my friends knew i self-harmed i don't know what they would do, probably speak about me behind my back and call me an attention seeker *sigh*

On the other-side i'm more suicidal than ever. I seem to have these phases of sadness and nothing but sadness, you know when it feels like you've been hit full speed by a train of depression? (does that even make sense?) well i seem to have those phases very often. I'll just be getting better becoming a teeny tiny bit happier by the day and then the world's just like 'lol nope, not today' and i become even more depressed and suicidal than the last time, im typing so fast i don't even know if what im saying even makes sense right now, im sorry.

I don't know i have this gut feeling my friends hate me, you know there's always that one person in the group that everyone hates? yeah? well i think that's me. I just feel like they're happier when i'm not around, you know? As if they feel like they can be more themselves when i'm not there? which makes me sad and although i can't be my true self in front of anyone no matter who it is, if someone can't be themselves round me it really upsets me.

I'm going to be going on a diet because everyone who's really skinny is loved by everyone.
If i was skinny maybe people will start to notice me, maybe people will start to like me, maybe a won't be an embarrassment to be seen with. I will be starting one of those 'Ana Diets' the ones i showed you in my previous blog, most of them have great results, especially the ABC diet.
Hopefully people will begin to notice my weight lose and actually see that i care a LOT about my appearance. Everyday i look in the mirror i just want to cry, my reflection sickens me, all i see is fat fat fat oh and more FAT. But that will change, in 50 days time expect a blog post where i reveiw the ABC Diet and show before and after pictures. I may even do a shortened version of the ABC Diet to see how i get on and if i can notice progress already.

but for now i shall go, i hope you have enjoyed this blog post and also my other blog posts. If you have anything specific you'd like me to write about DM me on Instagram (thinxjpg) or twitter (FloralMisery) or even just comment below!

Ana Diets

So for today's blog post I'm going to be giving you useful 'Ana diets' I'll also be inserting an image of the calorie intake allowed so you can just screenshot and follow. 

1) The ABC Diet - I think most people know about this diet and it has some AMAZING results. 

It's crucial you know that after day 50 you HAVE to slowly return back to a normal diet, because if you jump straight in to eating normal and binging you will gain all the weight back! 

2) The 2468 Diet - I haven't heard of any reviews for this one, I don't think it's as popular as the ABC Diet but is probably a lot easier if you haven't dieted before. 

3) The Laurifel Diet 

4) Alice's Diet - easy to follow, quite low calorie intake although there's no fast days, so if you can't fast then this is the one for you. 

5) Jade's Two Week Slim Down Diet

Hope these diets help you! I'll be trying these diets out some time so expect a blog post on a review of it. It will include before and after pictures and also what I thought about the diet. 

Update

Hey everyone, I really hope you're enjoying my new blog and finding it useful. 

I want to make it EVEN better. But I'm not sure what else I could upload. I was thinking maybe a food diary? Or a workout routine? Different diets etc?

I'm not too sure if you could leave your suggestions in the comments below or sent me a DM on Instagram (thinxjpg) that would be incredibly helpful! 

Thankyou to everyone who reads my blog posts I appreciate it so much 

How to: Prevent Binge Eating

1. Whenever you eat (normal eating), stop throughout the meal and count to 100 or set the food down and do something else for at least a minute. This will help you practice stopping eating and will make it easier to stop yourself when you start to binge.
2. If you live alone, do not keep "bad" foods in your house. If there are things you'd be tempted to binge on cover the box with a thinspo/reverse thinspo picture or cover it so only the nutrition facts are visible.
3. If you catch yourself binging, immediately throw the rest of the food in the toilet and flush it. The trash can will work but the toilet is better because there's no way you can go back and get another bite.  You will feel very powerful and in control. It's not wasting food either because no matter how you look at it it all ends up in the toilet anyway!
4. Try to get away from all or nothing thinking. One mistake doesn't ruin your whole day and no matter what you've already eaten it is still better than more and half a box is a HUGE difference than a whole box. Every calorie counts! Instead of just giving in try to salvage the rest of the day with negative calories and exercise so you end it on a good note.
5. Never say, I'll do better tomorrow. Say, I'm doing better NOW!
6. If you find yourself binging all the time or constantly feeling the urge to binge try increasing your daily calorie intake. a daily intake of 600 calories that you can maintain is better than a daily intake of 400 with a couple 1,000-calorie binges thrown in.
7. Try thinking about other foods if a particular craving is too intense, you will switch to wanting the other food you thought about and then you can distract yourself from that. It's not just filling time though you have to get your mind off it completely (but only for less than a minute!) and you won't want it.
8. If you don't want to increase calories, try increasing the frequency of meals without increasing calorie intake. If you're less hungry you will think more rationally about what you eat even if you are still consuming very few calories. Check the safe food list for snacks to keep you on track.
9. An occasional sudden jump in calorie or food intake can actually help you overcome plateaus (when weight loss stops for no apparent reason) by increasing metabolism and digestion and helping bring your body out of famine mode. However, keep it controlled, decide what and how much you will eat in advance, and choose foods with nutritional value. Be careful with this if you are prone to compulsive eating. Also this method is not always predictable and you can still gain weight, especially if the calorie increase is too dramatic or if your metabolism is damaged or slowed.
10. If you binge do not dwell on it, just immediately start thinking proactively and distract yourself with positive thinking and activities. Negative thinking, especially guilt feelings, can become a cycle of thought and behavior. Do something that will get you back in the thin mindset and just focus on what you are doing now and in the near future.
11. Emotional eating is a leading cause of weight gain. Emotional eating happens when you subconsciously associate the food with an emotion, such as love, comfort, security, etc. If you suspect you eat emotionally keep a log of your emotions along with your food, focusing especially on those occurring before, during, and after eating. Identifying the feelings leading to a binge can help you identify what the food represents to you and find something to replace it.
12.  Buy a couple bags of raw mixed veggies. Before you binge, you must eat either one or both of the bags. You also must eat 1 serving of brown rice. By now you should either be too full to binge, or if you are still craving, only be able to eat a little bit of the bad food. 
13. Whenever you make food, arrange it carefully so it looks beautiful. This will help you pay more attention to your food and how much you're eating. It also gives you time to reconsider eating it.
14. Eat in the same place every day. At the table is best, not in your room or in front of the TV or computer. Focus especially on the first three bites; after that any pleasure from eating subsides. Chew each bite carefully, 10-30 times, and count. These are good habits to get into that will help you stop binging, or at least slow you down.
15.  Allow yourself to have ONE SERVING of a crave food. Plan in advance when you will have it and how frequently you're allowed to have them (once a week, once a day, etc). Even pastries or high-calorie treats will probably be under 400 calories. You can adjust the rest of the day's food around the craving food. This will keep you from deprivation-induced binging, and teach you to indulge in a non-binging, pre-planned, controlled way. 
16. Keep your hair, nails, and makeup done. Dress well and make sure you always look your best. Keeping a perfect image will motivate you to eat perfectly, and remove suspicion that anything is wrong with you. Waking up early to get ready burns calories too.

Fasting tips

Hey everyone, I decided to write a post on fasting tips. These tips help me a lot! Especially the first few hours into my fast because they're always the hardest. I really hope these tips help you. 

Spin around in circles, it will make you too dizzy and nauseous to eat.

Always have water with you.

Drink ice cold water when possible.

If you feel hungry, drink some hot green tea, the heat can suppress your appetite.

Caffeine suppresses your appetite as well.

Chew sugar free gum.

Take a nap.

Read.

Clean something.

Take a shower or bath.

Whiten your teeth.

Go for a run.

Do some crunches.

Stretch.

Do yoga.

Try enjoying hunger pangs.

Weigh yourself.

Look at your self naked and pinch your fat.

Take a nice long walk, with or without your dog.

Try 0 calorie Mio water enhancers.

Look at thinspo if you feel hungry.

Go on Pro Ana blogs.

Make a Fasting Journal and write about how you feel during the fast, why you want to fast, and the benefits of fasting.

Make a list of "bad" foods. Periodically, cross one of the list and pledge to never, ever eat it again. Eventually there will be none left.

Munch on some ice, it will trick your brain.

Make your own list of tips you think will help you.

Always have a To-Do list so you are never bored.

Try to stick to plain, distilled water. Zero calorie soda can make you gain weight in the long run, but if you feel it is necessary, go ahead and drink DIET drinks only.

Watch people eat and notice how disgusting it looks.

Dance like crazy to an upbeat song.

Make an After-Fast food plan to slowly introduce different foods back into your diet so you don't gain all the weight back.

Make a weight loss blog, you wouldn't want to disappoint your followers by failing your fast, right?

If you're new to fasting, try a juice fast first.

NEVER break a fast with a heavy meal.

The first 3 days are the hardest, so just think about how good you'll feel once you conquer those 3 days..

Eat light the night before you begin the fast.

Try drinking a large glass of water at least once every hour.

Be prepared!